I felt sick in the stomach yesterday..

..when I called out to Olga to come and enjoy a beautiful moment

where Dunia said (in response to my suggestion we go and get prepare her dinner in the kitchen and then return for a picnic on the balcony)

"You go.. and I stay"

..

Olga came to the balcony and then said "Yeah.. so what?"

---

additionally 2 afternoons back Olga rejected helping Dunia sit on my back on the grass (whilst I was to play the role of horse-y on all fours in the park) .. she said "there are limits" (ie this was one) .. and "you are an adult" .. the expression ludicrous narrow mindedness doesn't quite capture the despair I felt..

It's 11.30pm and Olga's been gone for over 2 hours..

..just managed to get Dunia to sleep

Olga's words before walking out were "I don't care what anyone thinks" .. implication being that 'wrongdoing' by some measure was about to be done.

In addition, I was attacked for choosing not to work for peanuts (in Belarus) and for being too close to Dunia (when "all the magazines say" that it is Mum who must be the closest to the child).

Also, when I responded to what was said, Olga stated "my Mum has an answer for everything you say"

Hot water has been cut off in the region...

...and so this morning I boiled water in preparation for hygeinic rituals required for Dunia and Olga.

Instead of a 'thank you for your thoughtfulness', I was lambasted by Olga

"What's this for?"

"Why so much? Why are you wasting water?" (I had just poured a jug of hot water into a container from which Dunia would have her bum bum cleaned..)

Extraordinary. Truly extraordinary.

Then this was followed with a more general abuse stating that I am doing nothing and that when I do anything it is not from my heart.

Again, spectacularly ill-informed. And saying more about Olga (& her mindset when doing anything at home) than about me.

"Why don't you ask me if I need the water?" was this mornings reproach

"Why are you asking me if I want brocolli?" was last nights reproach (..when I asked if she'd like some too.. as I was preparing some for Dunia at the time)

Truly damned if you do and damned if you don't.

And truly funny if it wasn't real.

"..There is always instruction"

with a fuck you tone included..

after I said "we don't need instruction in working out how to take Dunia & the stroller upstairs"

..Dunia was in my arms. Olga was near the stroller. We were downstairs at our apartment building.

Sister Lena called out to her and instructed her to take Dunia from me and that I ought to be taking the stroller up to Level 1 where we leave it.

..the destructive moments then followed.

" Fuck off 'dibil' " were words I literally had to absorb soon afterwards.

---

Earlier in the eve, and very distressingly to me.. when I asked Olga if she too was thrilled to see how joyful Dunia was when she at one with music.. and she closes her eyes and you see her feeling her way to the sound.. she replied that she doesn't like it; because Dunia "looks unwell" when she closes her eyes and swings about to the sound.

How can a mother (not so much say such things, but as to) feel such things and claim to have unconditional love.

Fishy kiss, fishy kiss..

..Dunia laughs and kisses Daddy

Olga then reproaches me - "fishy kiss is mine. It's my invention; you can come up with something else."

Again spectacularly ludicrous.

Further, if the same logic were to be applied in reverse, most of what Olga does now to enlighten and enliven Dunia would need to stop..